Man it’s been too long since I wrote a blog!! I have had so much to write about, but no time to put everything into words! I have been busy living. 😊 Nevertheless, I still miss my writing and thought it was time for a blog update. Where to start… well, how about I start with THERE ARE ONLY 49 DAYS UNTIL MY FREAKING WEDDING!!! 🙌 So, there is that! 😜 To say I am excited is an understatement. I am so ready to marry this man of mine.
I remember when he first asked me to marry him. I of course was so excited, but I was also afraid of what people would think. I know, what a shallow thought to think at one of the most exciting moments right!? But I did. After all the excitement started to dim, the first thought that came to mind was “what will people say. This will be my third marriage, what will they think. Will they think it’s a joke, will they question if it’s real”. Those are real thoughts that crossed my mind.
I was so concerned that my previous marriages would somehow dim the light that shines between Russell and I. Would make people unable to see how much I love this man. I now know, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Yes I have been married twice before. Yes they both ended in divorce. I admit I got it wrong. Twice. The first time around I was young and fell victim to a void in my life that I thought this MUCH older man would fill. I learned so much about myself from that marriage and how to pick up the pieces after someone breaks you. The second time around I convinced myself that I could change someone who had no desire for a real family or children (including the one I already had). I learned some really tough life lessons from that marriage, and I came out of it a different woman.
But then there is Russell. This time, I got it right. I know who I am. I know what I need and don’t need from a man. I know how to be individualistic and still allow a man’s love to swallow me up in all it’s wonder. I know what love is now. Love is not dependent. Love is not seeking approval. Love is not filling a void. It is strength. It is wisdom. It is independence. It is laughter. It is pure. It is exactly what connects my heart to Russell’s.
I looked for love in so many places over the years, and it found me. It found me at the lowest point in my life. It found me when I didn’t want to be found. It found me when I had given up. It found me in the man that was once the little boy down the street. Funny how love does that huh? So now, just 49 days away from my wedding, there isn’t a single doubt or fear in my mind. I am proud of the places I’ve been in my life. Hell, I am THANKFUL for them. I am stronger because of them. I am now ready to marry this man singing in the seat next to me. 😉 Ready in every way. God has spent the last 11 years preparing me for this man. For his kind of love.
I’ve never had so many people approach me to tell me they can see how happy I am. That they can see a change in my life. People that have known me through some of the toughest times in my life, now say they see this light that shines between Russell and I. So I don’t fret over my past. I don’t worry if it will taint what I have with him. If anything, those dark memories, just allow for more shine now!!!