How often have you heard a beautiful adoption story or watched one in a movie, and asked yourself if it’s truly that majestic in real life? Does it really happen to normal people like us? Does it only happen for rich people with tons of money? Would we even have a chance? Those are the questions Russell and I have been mulling over the past few days. Why? Well because we have made a decision to start the adoption process shortly after our wedding in June!
The loss of our baby last February was devastating. It shook me to my core, and made me re-evaluate my life and the things important to me. We tried for several months after to get pregnant again. We tried ovulation trackers. We tried counting days. We tried about every home method possible to get pregnant again. Each time it was uncessful. Each time it was like having my heart ripped out over and over. Each negative pregnancy test felt like losing our baby all over again. I started to become obsessed with getting pregnant. An unhealthy obsession. Almost a compulsion. It literally consumed my every thought. It got to an unhealthy point for me. Mentally I couldn’t take the pain or the shame I felt every month when I didn’t get pregnant.
Eventually, I said we had to stop. My body and mind couldn’t handle the stress any longer. So I went into survival mode. Saying I wanted to stop trying was way less painful than feeling the rejection I felt from within my own body. Human nature is to protective ourselves. What better form of protection than to convince yourself you never wanted the thing you can’t have right? So Russell and I went on about life pointing out all the reasons we just thought we were “good with the one we have”. Every day we would find another reason that we didn’t think we needed another child.
We like our sleep. We love our freedom. We want to travel. We work too much. Daycare is too expensive. We don’t have the schedule for a baby. You name it, I’ve said it to myself, or Russell has said it to me at some point in the past few months.
But then February came around. The month we lost our baby last year. And it started to stir up emotions inside of me that my instincts had surpressed. I started to feel the desire again. The need to hold the baby we planned for. The need to pick one of the names I still have stored in my phone. The need to decorate a nursery. The need to wake in the middle of the night, even while exhausted, and calm my crying baby. The need to love like that again.
So I did some soul searching before I spoke to Russell about it. I mean, why revive his emotions or hopes before I was sure. So I dug. I dug deep. I asked myself the hard questions. Is this what I really wanted? Was this just my grief getting the best of me? Maybe I was just confused and hurting right now. So I dug a little deeper. And I realized that I’ve wanted to be a mother again, since Savannah was around 2 years old. So for 8 years now (almost 9), I’ve been surpressing that need.
In my last marriage a baby was used against me like a milk bone I train my pups with. It was dangled in front of my face, and snatched away any time I wasn’t a “good wife”. Any argument we had resulted in him telling me he would “never have a baby with someone like me”. Ironically, 90% of the fights we had were about his deception when it came to his desire to expand our family. I was told one thing before marriage, and then a switch flipped, and I was told the opposite. So I suppressed my desires again. I eventually gave up hope and resolved to just being the best mom I could be to Savannah.
Then somehow, some strange unexpected way, God brought my journey together with Russell’s. If you read my blogs, you know our love was different from the very beginning. He was different, and his love made me different. I started to hope again. I started to dream again. I opened myself up to a life I’d only daydreamed about for years. I had finally met the man that truly completed my soul, and we got pregnant!! For a brief moment, life was everything I dreamed of. Then it all came crashing down. So I suppressed my desires yet again. This time for different reasons though. This time because I was afraid. I was afraid of allowing light into my darkness, only to find myself engulfed by the night again when the light faded.
It wasn’t until very recently I decided that I could not let fear cheat me of the joy parenting can bring to your life. I couldn’t let my fear cheat Russell either. I’ve been cheated for years for various reasons, I’ll be damned if fear of heartache will stop me now. So I told Russell my thoughts. I confided in him that yes, I DO still want a baby. And after some talking about the capability of my body to handle a pregnancy or be able to even get pregnant, I shared another dream of mine with him. I’ve always wanted to adopt a child. It’s been in my heart for years, and I finally found someone who loves me enough to listen when my heart speaks.
So begins our very new and exciting journey down the road of adoption. We are currently just in the research phase. Learning all we can. Reading all the materials we can get. Coming up with 5 and 10 year plans for our life. Looking ahead to career goals and what kind of life we would want to have for a new baby. So I welcome any information you want to share! Give me the good experiences and the bad. Give me your advice and agency recommendations. Give me all of it! I want to know all there is to know, and be as prepared as possible. When we truly begin the process, I want to be confident in my choices and trust my instincts. I can only do that through the power of knowledge. So leave feedback, give us prayers, and wish us luck as we take on all sorts of emotions and hurdles to find our rainbow after the storm. 🌈