Today is Valentine’s Day. A day of love. A day of flowers, and candy, and romantic dates. Today is the day of all things love. Except for me. For me, today is the last day I was pregnant. You see, this day last year, I WAS pregnant. I was pregnant. We were happy and planning for our baby that was to arrive in September. In fact, this day last year. Russell bought me a huge stuffed giraffe and said it was for me and the baby. That we could put it in the nursery for the baby. I spent the entire day fussing with Savannah about why she couldn’t “hold” the giraffe in her room for the baby until it came. But this day now. This day this year. I’m not pregnant. We aren’t planning for our baby, and I spent the entire day wondering if Valentine’s Day would ever be about roses and candy and romantic dinners for me again.
Today was the last day I was pregnant because tomorrow, February 15, is the day that all of the planning, all of the excitement, all of the name searching, all of the morning sickness, came to an end. It all ended just as quickly as the phone call where the doctor told me there was no longer a heart beat. With a three minute phone call, it was all over. Just like that my baby was gone. Except that it wasn’t over. It’s been a year and I still go in the bathroom at work to cry when the sudden urge hits me. It’s been a year and I can pass that giraffe sitting on our guest bed and feel my heart break a little more. It’s been a year and I can still feel the heaviness in my chest that I felt when I heard the doctors voice on the phone. It’s been a year, and it’s still not over.
Some days I wish it never happened. That I could go back to my reality before this pain. I’m not sure if that thought makes me a horrible person, but it’s there nonetheless. I’ve discovered over the past 365 days what a mysterious entity grief is. It’s anger. It’s fear. It’s pain. It’s hate, but mostly its love. Grief is just the love that you wanted to give, NEEDED to give, and now it’s got no place to go. So it builds up inside of you. It builds up and spills over from your eyes, and gathers at the back of your throat, choking you while you try to talk about it. It builds up in your heart, until you think it might explode. That’s all it is really. Love. This overwhelming, suffocating need to love someone that’s no longer there.
So today, Valentine’s Day, the day of love. I’m not thinking of flowers or chocolates. I’m not having a romantic dinner. I’m writing this blog with silent tears streaming down my face wondering WHAT THE HELL DO I DO WITH ALL THIS LOVE!?!! 💔